A Joy for Most

May 3, 2010

Mother’s Day is approaching, all the magazines are running article on
stars and their mother’s. Accompanying the article is a wonderful
picture of Will Smith or Heidi Klum cheek to cheek with their mother
with smiles so bright you want to run out and buy crest whitening strips
without your $10 off coupon hoping you can maybe look half as happy and
bright on Mother’s Day. Friends are making reservations for brunch at
the Ritz Carlton, but motherless daughters are hoping it won’t rain for
their annual trip down to the cemetery. Or that another woman at the
flower department at their local grocery store doesn’t ask about the
bouquet they are buying to lay on their mother’s grave. Some are putting
together brunch at their house for the whole family to come over and
celebrate the woman whom gave life and love to all the siblings whom
then gave their own children breathe and life to live amongst the other
humans parading around on this earth.

But what if your mother’s death ripped your family apart? What if there
is no celebration of your mother’s life and only anger, animosity and a
family that is treading water and about to drown with the death of their
matriarch? Or sadness is all you can muster on Mother’s Day. It is
enough to throw you into a locked bedroom with the shades pulled and a
pillow over your head with a towel below your chin to catch the tears
that will turn into a river while you lay there and mourn the loss of
your mother and the day that all other women you know are celebrating
with the woman they could not imagine spending a moment without!

Heather Hogan speaks from experience. In 1972 Heather lost her mother
in a tragic car accident. Heather was three years old, her brother was
eight months old, and her sister was seven. Her book, Can There Be
More?, tells the story of how Heather’s mother’s death affected an
entire family and destroyed each of them day after day in their own way.
She talks openly and honestly in depth of her experiences growing up as
a motherless daughter and the daughter of an alcoholic. She gives
valuable advice that will give readers the tools they need to come to
grips and acceptance of their mother’s death and how to become a
fulfilled, happy, compassionate, and grateful woman living without a
mother’s love, advice and constant presence. Heather, through her own
experiences and meeting other motherless daughters now celebrates her
mother’s life and the holiday that for years and years and years she
dreaded, Mother’s Day!

As this special day approaches, you or someone you know might be having a
tough time trying to get through the day. Maybe someone you know
recently lost a mother, or it has been a long time but they still don’t
know how to celebrate the day. We need to lend support to motherless
daughter’s everywhere to get through this difficult day and turn sadness
into happiness and tears of sorrow into tears of joy! Read on for five
rituals that can help any motherless daughter out there look forward to
Mother’s Day again, to celebrate the woman who gave them everything!

Meet At The Cemetery With A Basket Filled With Love. I know of a
family that consists of six sisters whom lost their beloved matriarch
ten years ago. The first few Mother’s Days without her were horribly sad
and depressing. They decided no more! They now meet at the cemetery
every Mother’s Day filled with love, joy and gratitude for the woman who
raised them. One sister brings coffee, one a cake, and one brings a
wonderful bottle of wine to share. They sit around telling their
favorite stories about their mother to keep her spirit alive in their
minds and their lives. The sister’s children attend and listen to
stories of the grandmother that they didn’t know or didn’t know well.
When they have had laughter and a few tears of gratitude for the years
they had with her one of the sister’s husbands sings a beautiful song
dedicated to their mother. After the beautiful song has ended the
sister’s join in and simultaneously say one Hail Mary and one Our
Father; that is what their mother would have wanted them to do.

After their dedication to their mother’s life ends at the ceremony they
head to the same restaurant every year and have a wonderful Mother’s Day
lunch. Every year they order their mother’s favorite meal as if she is
sitting there right next to them! Their father is draped in his
daughter’s love, with his grandchildren around him, and the memory of
his deceased wife alive and kicking!

Remember: even if you can’t wrap a gift to give your mother you can
dedicate one to her. If your mother is not buried at a cemetery and her
ashes have already been spread or you just don’t want to head to the
cemetery on this day plant a tree in her honor. Plant the tree in a
place that you can watch it grow and think about her every time you look
at it. The roots of the tree, much like the roots she planted in you,
will grow in the soil of the earth and firmly plant themselves in a
place where you can admire the tree for years and years to come. If you
could plant the tree in your own yard, every Mother’s Day you could add
beauty to the tree with a perennial plant or flower.

If you don’t have room for a tree start a garden in your Mother’s
memory. It could be a flower garden or a vegetable garden. That garden
could become a place that is just for you and your mother!

Spread her ashes with love. Maybe you have been holding on to your
mother’s ashes. You haven’t been ready to let go yet. Your mother could
have just passed or she could have died a long time ago, but you haven’t
felt ready to release her to the wind. Mother’s Day is a glorious time
to take her ashes to that special place where she would want to be laid
to rest forever and spread them with love.

Before you release her ashes to the ocean, mountain, prairie, or
backyard remember her in love. Cherish the memories and who she was to
you. Then spread her remains in love, glory and gratitude for the time
you were given with this wonderful woman. Every Mother’s Day go to where
you laid her remains to rest and have a ceremony in her honor. Go alone
or bring loved ones, but rejoice in the love she gave you for the years
you had her!

Donate your time and love on Mother’s Day to those whom also don’t
have a mother. Sure, you are sad that your mother isn’t around for you
to give a hug, card and present, but step out of your sad zone for a
moment and think of others whom are also motherless but less fortunate
than you. Donate your time on this special day to children in orphanages
or foster care that are desperately missing their mother. Imagine their
abandonment issues and how lonely they are. For, they might not only be
motherless but fatherless too.

On that day maybe you can teach these children a craft, plant a flower
with them in a pot you bring filled with soil and teach these children
how to water and care for the flower. This one flower can bring them joy
every day even after you leave. Share stories of your mother and let
them know how much you miss her but they like you can find joy in life
without a mother. Show these children that compassion and empathy is a
gift that they can receive from another human other than a mother. Who
knows the gift you might receive from a relationship that can be formed
in your mother’s honor on Mother’s Day!

Did your mother die from a type of cancer or killed by a drunk
driver? Maybe you can’t let go of the fact that your mother’s death was
tragic and could have been prevented. Maybe research dollars are needed
to find a cure for a cancer. Donate your time, money and energy on
Mother’s Day to MADD or the Breast Cancer Association. You could start
your own walk for your mother on that day. Get friends, family and
colleagues to donate money to the cause that could help future families
not lose their mother before they are ready to let go.

Maybe they donate a certain amount for every mile you and your family
walk on Mother’s Day. While walking, find joy in nature around you, your
children that are beside you learning great lessons on how they can
help change the future and finally, smile, knowing your mother is
walking right beside you cheering you on!

I promise you if you do this you will look forward to Mother’s Day year
after year!

At some point during the day sit back and close your eyes and
remember the lunches you shared, the coffee you drank, the hugs that
brought you warmth, her smile that brightened your day, and the mother
she was!

The following quotes are from Heather Hogan’s book, Can There Be
More?, relating to being a motherless daughter.

“My sister tells me that her devastation about my mother’s death was
such a horrible and inconsolable feeling that it was very hard for her
to sleep at night. Kelly and I slept in the same bed. My sister would
tell me before I would fall asleep that mommy would come home. I would
fall asleep, yet I have no idea what I was thinking, or even if I
believed her. I am quite sure that after two years of this, I gave up
hope; but my poor devastated sister would look into the doorway well
into the night, hoping that mother would walk through that door to tuck
us in and give us a kiss.”

“I knew that the one person who loved me unconditionally was dead,
and that is hard for a fourteen year old to fathom.”

“I had lost so much the day my mother died. Not just a mother, but I
lost my father that tragic day, my siblings, and essentially my extended
family for a long period of time.”

“This is when my panic attacks and anxiety really started. I did not
want my daughter to suffer the same fate I did. I was scared she would
end up a motherless daughter like I did. That thought was too much for
me to bear, it debilitated me. I became so afraid to leave my daughter
she did not have a babysitter until she was five. I brought Kenzie every
where with me. I was convinced if I didn’t die she would. I had never
been happy or really felt loved and didn’t think it was my destiny to
experience either. In my warped thoughts, I felt if she was with me,
neither one of us would die. I felt either I would lose Kenzie and
suffer the rest of my life, because that was my destiny, or my daughter
would lose me and end up a motherless daughter also.”

“Sometimes I believe that my mother’s death at the age of twenty-six
saved her from the jealous eye of Sally Smith down the road, or the
marriage that is cracking under pressure in a world that everything is
supposed to be hunky dory. I sound jaded at times, but truly I am not. I
love my life now, and have learned how to really just be in the moment
and happy with what I have.”

“I have always thought I don’t even know what my mother’s voice
sounded like. I was going to make sure my children remembered my voice.
It was a very lonely feeling to have been told I was loved by a parent. I
don’t remember my mother ever saying I love you and my father never
told me he loved me until I was in my thirties. I knew if I was going to
die I had accomplished the love factor. I stop daily and look my
children in the eye and say I love you, and don’t ever forget it.”

“I have always wondered if my mother begged God to let her go back
down to earth and raise her children. I have also thought about what her
last thoughts must have been. I don’t even think she was conscious,
maybe she never saw the car coming and didn’t realize she was about to
die. I like to think for her sake she was just driving along thinking
happy thoughts and the next thing she knew she was in a peaceful place. I
hope she didn’t have pain at the thought of never seeing us again. This
has bothered me for a long time.”

“It took me a long time, but I think that I am finally the person my
mother would have been proud of!”

About the author:

Heather Hogan has finally found peace, happiness and joy in her life.
She has learned that being a motherless daughter is not a death
sentence. Her motivation for writing her story was to simply help other
people realize they are not alone in their sorrow and woes.

Heather lives with the love her life Mark and their five children
between them, three are Heather’s, in Concord CA. Her second book
titled, Just Ask My Husband! 101 Women’s Perspectives on How To Keep
Your Marriage Peaceful, Sexy, Interesting, and Alive!, will be released
in August of 2010. Heather wrote this book and spent hours interviewing
women to save marriages and children from experiencing divorce.

About Can There Be More?:

It is available nationwide at all major bookstores. $12.99 Tate
Publishing and Enterprises 2008, ISBN: 978-1-60604-661-6